Why don't they serve escargots at McDonald's restaurants?
Because at McDonalds, they serve fast food.
(joke by -Tim Pearce-)

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her backside was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

• "Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a Clam!

• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A shell? Another marine creature?
  NO, a nervous wreck.

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

This guy was washing the dishes in his kitchen and he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door and there was nobody there. Just as he was closing it he looked down and saw a snail.
"What do you want?" he asked the snail.
"Can I have a glass of water please?" replied the snail.
"No, clear off!" shouted the guy and he punted the snail down to the bottom of the garden.
Two months later he was in the kitchen again and he heard another knock at the door. He opened the door, looked down, and saw the snail again.
"What do you want?" he shouted.
"Why did you do that?" said the snail.

Version #1
Who's That Knocking at My Door?
A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the heck is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail, examined it, and threw it across the street.
Two months later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What was that all about?"

Version #2
Guy opens the door to his house, snail is walking across the floor. Guy slams door, comes back in five years and opens the door again. Snail is still there.
Snail: "What was THAT all about?!"

Version #1
A young couple were entertaining some French guests and decided to serve snails. The husband went out to get hold of some suitable snails while his wife remained at home preparing for that evening.
It was a nice day, and after he'd got the snails, the husband decided to pop into his local pub for a drink (or two or three. )
Realising how much time had passed in the pub, he grabbed his coat and snails and ran home knowing that his wife would be wondering where he'd got to. As he charged through the garden gate he tripped and dropped the snails all over the path.
His wife heard the commotion and went to see what was going on. On seeing her husband she asked "Where have you been?"
He looked back at the snails and gestured towards the front door: "Come on lads, nearly there!"

Version #2
A brother and sister were lucky enough to live near the seashore. One day, the family was having a fancy dinner party for friends. The mother was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she forgot to buy snails to make escargot for this dinner party, so she asked the kids to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some edible snails.
The kids would rather be playing, but they agreed to pick up some snails. They took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.As they were collecting the snails, they saw some friends swimming and thought of how nice it would be to take a little swim. They kept collecting snails, but the weather was so hot that they finally decided to cool off with a swim. They were having so much fun in the water with their friends, they forgot about the snails.After several hours, the sun was setting and one of them exclaimed “Oh no!!! We’re late with the snails for the dinner party!!" They quickly gathered a few more snails and put them in the bucket, and ran down the beach towards their home.hey ran up the stairs of their home, but were in such a hurry that when they got to the top of the stairs, they dropped the bucket of snails. The snails scattered all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry mother standing in the doorway wondering where they’d been all this time. The kids looked at each other, then looked at the snails all down the steps, then they looked at her, then back at the snails and said..
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S's all over it.
When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why had had painted his car that way. "Simple," the snail replied. "When people see me and my race car go zooming down the track, I want them all to exclaim, `Look at that S-car go!'"

Version #1
Two union guys are standing and talking. Suddenly one of them turns around and stamps his foot.
The other guys says, "What was THAT all about?"
To which the union guy replies, "That darn snail has been following me around all day!"

Version #2
Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day
when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed
coworker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"

This snail is at the police station. He's telling the officer on duty about how he was just mugged and robbed.
"It was these two turtles!" the snail sobs. "They beat me up and took my money!"The officer asks "Did you get a good look at them?"
The snail says "No! It all happened so fast!"

What does a snail say when he rides a turtle?
Wheeeeee!!!

How to Become a Shell Collector
One way to become a shell collector is to take a bag of marbles to the beach. Each time you pick up a shell, drop a marble on the beach, so the waves will cover the marble with sand. Keep doing this until all the marbles are hidden in the beach sand. When you’ve lost all your marbles, you’ve become a shell collector!

Guido Poppe's Conchology

Conchologist's of America: Fun Stuff